Owning cats is a very rewarding experience: they provide so much pleasure and entertainment. Of course, life is quite different with a feline in the house and it can be quite an eye-opener for a first-time owner, especially if they start their ownership journey with kittens.
There’s only one way to know if you should get a kitten and that is to imagine you have one first. If you haven’t got a clue what living with a kitten is like, we’ve drawn up a list of things you can do every day to simulate life with a kitten or two in your home. Will you cope?
If you’re about to get a kitten, STOP and do the next 18 things first. You’ll be glad you did.
Do everything listed below for about 6 months. If by the end of it you still feel chilled and sane, you’re probably ready to commit.
Buy a new sofa
Get that really expensive new sofa you’ve been saving up for, in pale cream. Install it in your living room and feel proud of how it looks. Then, grab a couple of sharp razors from your bathroom and randomly slash it.
Look around for anything else to slash – any soft furnishings will do.
Jump on your mantelpiece
Leap up onto your mantelpiece or any shelf containing your favorite breakable ornaments. Bounce around, knocking everything off to smash on the floor. Peer over at the results and then carry on.
Do this everyday.
Purchase expensive new curtains
Treat yourself to a fabulous new set of curtains and hang them up at your window. From this point on, carry a sharp knife and randomly slash them every time you walk past.
Get a bag of cat litter
Vacuum your whole house and then randomly scatter cat litter everywhere. Don’t forget to put some on your chairs and bed.
Change your bedclothes
Put your best white covers on your bed, dip your fingers in mud (or poop) and add prints all over the bed.
Replace the bed clothes, and repeat daily.
Get some dressmaking pins
Hold five in each hand and then stab them into your shins, thighs, arms, and anywhere else you can reach every day, throughout the day. Run them up and down your skin, leaving red scratches everywhere.
Get your favorite jumpers out and use the pins to pull loopy threads out on every single one where they notice the most.
Set alarms to go off throughout the night
Use the alarm function on your mobile phone to set an alarm for 2 am, 3 am, 4 am, and 5 am. As each goes off, lay there and wonder what woke you up. Every. Single. Night. For 6 months, remember.
Place kitten-sized objects around the house
Place bricks or hardback books randomly on the stairs, on the floor beside your bed, on the nighttime route to the bathroom. Try to remember they are there and do not step on them or kick them ever.
Put teddies on the best seats in the house
Pu teddies on the most comfortable seats in your home. You are not allowed to sit on any chair with a teddy on it. Nor. Are. Any. Guests!
Dirty your work surfaces
Clean your kitchen counters, go into the garden, tread in mud, poop, anything disgusting. Walk back to your kitchen, climb up and prance all over your clean counters and table. Every day, you must do this, several times.
Collect your hair
Every time you see your hair anywhere – in a brush, in the bathroom, etc – collect it up and sprinkle it all over your furniture and clothes. Put it on the chairs and on your counters. For a better effect, snip some of your hair off and use that.
Make sure you are covered in loose hair whenever you leave the house.
Mess up your clean washing
Put your freshly laundered washing in a pile and then put muddy fingerprints all over it. Knock it on the floor and then go to sleep on it.
Put wet towels on your bathroom floor
Walk into your bathroom and scrabble at your towels to pull them from the towel rails. Leave them in a heap on the floor. Tread on them a bit to make them dirty.
Put a soft toy in the bathroom
Leave a soft toy in your bathroom. Whenever you go to the toilet, place it in front of you on the floor with its eyes intently looking your way. You may soon find yourself followed every time you visit your smallest room.
Before you ever wash your hands or brush your teeth, put the toy in the basin. Do not attempt to use the basin and instead, bend awkwardly over the bath and use that faucet instead.
Get someone to pat your face in the night
Ask someone to stay over and keep patting you in the face, the eye, and the ear randomly throughout the night- for as many nights as they can.
Bat things under heavy items around your home
Look around your home for little movable objects, place them on the floor and bat them under the sofa, fridge, and anywhere else that it’s difficult to retrieve them from. Leave them there. Find more objects, and repeat.
Open and shut doors randomly
Whenever you sit down for a rest or to watch TV, do not allow yourself to just sit still. Get up every 5 minutes, open the door, wait a moment, and then close the door. Really – make sure you do this every 5 minutes.
Get someone to throw things down the stairs
Perhaps the friend who patted your face all night can assist with this. Put your favorite TV show on and then as it gets to the best part have a friend throw a bag of small toys down the stairs to drown out the sound.
Ask them to wait till you have fallen asleep in bed that night and do the same again.
Conclusion – How did you cope?
If you keep the above up for 6 months and still yearn to own a kitten or two, you are well and truly ready to be the perfect cat parent. Enjoy!