My name’s Harry. I’m a red tabby Maine Coon with over 14 years experience of owning and breeding humans. I adopted two adult humans and 2 years later they produced a healthy male baby. I now have all three well-trained and we have very happy lives together.
If you are a cat who has recently adopted a human you will find this guide invaluable as there is much more to successfully raising and, more importantly, training one than you can ever imagine.
Here I detail a proper care and training plan and answer many common questions that cats ask. The aim is to ensure all cats are aware of how much a human is actually capable of doing for them. I’d hate any of you to miss out on the full, rewarding experience! You need never lift a paw again, except to deliver a well-earned scratch of course.
Caring for a Human
1. Caring for your human’s skin and hair
You can lick your human’s skin and hair clean whilst sitting on their lap or laying on them in their bed. You can knead any area of their body and dig your claws into their skin to aid with circulation. They may emit strange sounds as you do this, but don’t let that deter you.
2. How to care for their removable outer layers
If they leave the stuff they wear over their skin laying around your house, feel free to lay all over them. You can add interesting fur patterns – these are particularly effective on dark-colored items. If they make a fuss they might find these lint rollers useful for cleaning up their clothes (Click the link to read reviews on Amazon)
3. Their sleeping area
They prefer to sleep in an upstairs room in a comfy bed with pillows and a duvet. They are more than happy to share this area with you. If you want them to wake up this is easily achieved – simply jump on any area of their prone body with as much force as you can muster. The bladder region always achieves a speedy awakening.
Humans are not easy to litter train and they refuse to go outside to do their business. They like to sit on a hollow chair to eliminate their waste and soon get used to doing this whilst you look on in wonderment at this odd habit of theirs. They then like to play with soft paper that you must hang within reach and also to pour water all over what they have just done.
They are quite apt at doing this themselves and don’t require intervention from you. They usually do this in the same room mentioned above either under a waterfall or in a tub of water. You can watch but be careful as they do try to shut the door with you on the other side of it. Make sure you get into the room before this happens or who knows what they’ll get up to.
If possible buy your human a TV, laptop, and mobile phone. This is really all they need to keep them quiet. Whenever you think they’ve had enough screen time there are a number of options open to you:
- Sit in front of the TV.
- Lay across the keyboard of their laptop.
- Bat the phone from their hand, especially if they try to take your photograph.
Training a Human
There are many, many things a human can learn to do for you. The list is endless and you can really let your imagination run wild in this area.
1. To Feed You
A human can understand very few cat words but you’ll find them very willing to try to do something for you if you say the word meow. It’s quite a powerful word. Utter this word in the kitchen, and they’ll prepare you a meal and give you water. If you meow at any door they’ll dash to open it for you. Say it in the living room and they’ll make a big fuss of you or find a toy and play with you. Here’s a brilliant toy you can get them to use to play with you (click the link to read reviews on Amazon).
2. To Care For You
Your human will be willing to pander to your every whim. You name it they will do it for you. You’ll never go short of food – they seem to have an endless supply. Your litterbox will always be clean and fresh. They magic up all sorts of toys. There will be a variety of comfy beds at your disposal. If you ever feel under the weather they will pull out all the stops to make you feel better again. And they will brush your fur for hours at a time if you desire.
3. To Hunt
You will never actually witness your human in the act of hunting but they go out for hours and hours to do it. You’ll never know quite how they manage it but whatever they catch they then prepare and store in tins and pouches.
4. To Amuse You
Whatever time of day or night it is, your human can be persuaded to entertain you. They are always willing to throw things for you to chase, provide you with affection and let you in and out and in and out and in and out of the house!
Answers to common questions
1. Can a human go outside?
Yes absolutely. There is no reason at all for not letting your human go outside. They have good road sense and always come home – eventually! Try not to worry about them even if it does get dark and they’re still not home. The big bonus of letting your human out is that they bring home lots of lovely food.
2. How much should my Human eat?
Humans have a knack of finding and preparing their own food as well as yours. They like to eat three meals a day and copious amounts of snacks in between. You may find you quite like some of their food. Some humans can be a bit possessive of their meals and may retaliate if you try to help yourself to a taste. Many though are more than happy to share with you
3. What is the average lifespan of a Human?
This is a difficult question to answer as it can really vary depending on their lifestyle. Being owned by a cat is very good for their mental well being. If you think your human is overeating, try to discourage this. Watch what they drink. Some of them drink this weird stuff which makes them behave in a very strange way. This can be quite bad for them and so if you get the opportunity, knock their glass over.
4. Is my human overweight?
If your human looks a bit squishy around their middle they may be carrying excess weight. Encourage them to exercise more and eat less. Playing with you is the perfect way to get them moving more. If you think they’re having more food than they need, try sitting in it or dribbling over it so they have to leave it.
5. Can a Human be left alone?
Try to never leave your human alone. Pester them whenever you can. They get bored if you don’t and develop strange habits. Left to their own devices for too long, your human will just sit on your couch and stare at the TV or one of those things full of white paper with odd little black shapes all over it. Even worse, it will tap its fingers on its laptop or phone in a trance-like state and ignore you.
6. How much exercise does my human need?
A human needs plenty of exercise. Here are a few simple ways to ensure yours gets enough:
- Walk into the kitchen and meow loudly. Your human will trot out to see what you need. Move to another area of the house and repeat the meow. Travel up and down the stairs if possible.
- Wait until your human has sat down and then meow at a closed door. Standing will utilize their leg muscles, helping to keep them strong.
- When your human is asleep, begin to retch at a certain distance from their bed and see how quickly they run to your assistance. You’ll be amazed at the speed with which one can move in this situation.
- Bring in a live mouse for them to chase – this is great for improving their hunting reflexes.
- Make out that you are going to eliminate outside of your litterbox. This really gets them moving, especially if you are on their bed.
7. Are Humans Affectionate?
They are well-known for being affectionate, sociable, and friendly to their cat owners. It is very rare for a human to be unkind unless they are tormented or injured. It is best if they are socialized with cats from a young age so that they are fully aware of the expected behavior if ever owned by one.
8. How much sleep does a human need?
Absolutely no more than 8 hours in any 24-hour period. If you catch yours trying to exceed this amount you must take action immediately. There are a number of things you can do to wake yours:
- Meow as loudly as possible.
- Tear around the house like a possessed elephant.
- Find a noisy toy and bat it against every hard surface available.
- Sit on their head and purr loudly.
- Leap on them with all your might.
9. Do Humans make good pets?
Humans are the pet of choice for cats all over the world. Every cat that lives indoors owns a human. There’s one very good reason for this … HUMANS ABSOLUTELY ADORE BEING OWNED BY CATS!
If any human is not settling in well with you, you might like to share this article with them: 10 Easy Ways to Get Along Better With Your Cat
And if a human acts as if they own you, you really should point them towards this article straightaway!