If you’re thinking about buying a cat then it’s probably best if you read this first. If you don’t then you’re going to have a few shocks throughout your long cat-ownership journey. There are many things to learn about the feline – things you may not realize. Those of you who already own cats will be nodding their heads in agreement as they read this article.
Now, let me tell you the truth, the real truth, about your future relationship. Here are the reasons to NEVER own a cat!
1) You Will Never Own THEM
I thought it best just to get this one out there. Don’t, for a second, think that the cat (or cats) that you have bought are your property. You do not own them – you can not own them. In fact, and I want to make this absolutely clear – it is they that own you. The home that you have so gracefully allowed them to spend their lives in, becomes theirs. They will accept you living there with them, most of the time, as long as you comply with all their rules. These rules may change at any time and without being communicated to you.
2) You Will Lose All Privacy
Cat’s don’t like it when you look at them when they’re doing their ‘business’. It’s unacceptable and you should really be concentrating on something else, like preparing their next meal or making some new camp for them.
However, the same does not apply to your privacy and you must not, at any point, close the door to the bathroom whilst you are in there. If you do they will just meow outside until you let them in. When you do let them in they will sit right in front of you as you complete, errr, your ablutions. They will stare at you and do their utmost best to ensure you do not feel comfortable and relaxed at any point. You may decide to give up and try again later.
If you opted to continue, and well done for doing that, just before you are ‘finished’, they will jump into the sink which will be their new home for the next two minutes. Therefore, you will have to wash your hands either in the bath or the shower. They will stop using the sink as their home as soon as you have finished struggling to wash your hands elsewhere.
3) They Will Not Want to Play When You Do
You’re bored and want to spend a little bit of time with your little furry companion. You get out all their favorite toys and wiggle them around on the carpet. Meanwhile, your cat just stares at you as if to say, “What the hell are you doing? grow up!” They will occasionally glance at the toy catnip mouse that you wasted $5 on before yawning, turning their back on you and just sitting there, facing in the other direction.
The trap that you can easily fall into is thinking that the toys you have bought are no good – are perhaps too cheap. So you pay for more expensive ones and still get the same reaction. You start taking out loans and rack up credit card debt, you are not able to pay off – you lose your home and end up on the street.
4) They Will Want to Play When You Don’t
You’ve had the flu for days and you’re flat out in bed feeling like you’ve just spent several hours being beaten up by some large robot from the future, that has lasers and stuff. You wish the ground would open up and swallow you. Just at this time, your cat jumps onto your bed and drops your $5 catnip mouse onto your chest. They follow this up with a little chirrup which basically means you must stop whatever you’re doing and engage them in play. Now is not the time for being lazy, they are thinking.
You somehow manage to sit up and it takes all of the little strength you have left to get out of bed, go downstairs and bring a few of their favorite toys back up. Unfortunately, it’s too late. You took too long and your cat is now fast asleep flat out across your bed, just where you were. You must not disturb them as they are a bit sleepy now but they might appreciate it if you would prepare their next snack.
5) They Are Entitled to Be Fickle With Their Food
Never assume that just because your cat wolfed down the new brand of food you tried a couple of days ago, which prompted you to buy 16 boxes more of it, that they will continue to enjoy it. In fact, just the opposite is true. Your cat will know that you have just stocked up on one type of food and will, therefore, totally deliberately, choose to no longer like it.
If they could talk, and they probably can but choose not to just to annoy us, they would tell us to get in every type of food available that they might like. You should then rotate this food in a random manner, to make it as exciting as possible. Every third day you should combine two different types but be on standby, just in case they would rather have something else.
6) They Will Attack Your Toes When You Sleep
As all cat owners know, socks and shoes must always be put on prior to bed-time. If not, and your cat will be aware, they will wait until you go to sleep before launching an attack. Actually, they will wait until you fall into a deep sleep, as to them, this is more amusing. They will creep into your bedroom at some point during the night, unbeknown to you. Then, they will wait. They will wait for you to move and therefore move your toes, which they absolutely know are your toes. Don’t try to kid yourself that they thought they were some wriggling worm or something and they didn’t know it was you, they know … they know!
Their mouths don’t seem that big usually but imagine them yawning. Then, imagine them yawning with your big toe in their mouth. Then, imagine their paws wrapped around the rest of your foot so ‘it’ can’t escape. At first, you will think it was part of your dream but when the pain hits you, you will wake up with your heart racing. They’ll let go at this point, but for them, their work is done. You will be awake for the next three hours, just waiting for a repeat ambush …
Meanwhile, they’ll be fast asleep downstairs in a box.
7) They Will Wake You up When You Need the Most Sleep
They heard you when you were talking about the important interview the next day or the early flight you are taking for that much-needed vacation. They won’t say anything but they will know. Then, they will wait.
Night-time comes and you get yourself to bed early so you can get plenty of sleep to prepare yourself for the early start the next day. Half an hour after getting to sleep you feel a heavy weight pushing down on your chest. Are you having a heart attack? You don’t think so and dare to open one of your eyes. There, about an inch from your nose are two almond-shaped green eyes, dilated due to the lack of light, which just makes it worse. As your eyes open fully, the furry thing sitting on you starts to purr. It meows happily as it knows it now has your attention and starts to make some kind of cat-nest out of the duvet covering your chest.
Your cat will, of course, now go to sleep. However, you are unable to breathe properly or move onto either side to get comfy. You lie awake for hours and get less sleep than you would have done if you’d gone to bed at your usual time. You are sure you can see your cat smirking as you notice the alarm clock flick over to 4 am.
8) They Will Pretend the Cat Flap Does Not Exist
Cat flaps are a great idea. They enable your cat to come in and out of your home whenever it pleases. Your cat wins as they can be fully independent and do as they wish – you win as you don’t have to keep getting up to let them in or out.
Well, that’s how it should work. Unfortunately, that’s still way too inconvenient for your cat. Yes, the cat flap is handy, at times. But you see, the problem is it’s stuck in one location. What if your cat happens to be on the other side of the house, how on Earth are they going to get back in? They surely can’t be expected to walk around to the other side of the house where the flap is? As any cat owner should know, a cat flap needs to be located in every possible location that a cat may want to use to gain access to your house. If you don’t have one located in that place, then you’re going to have a problem.
What will happen is this. It doesn’t matter if the flap is on the other side of the house or literally a foot away from them. If it isn’t directly in front of them, they will stop outside of the window and look inside. They will wait. Your cat doesn’t mind waiting, you see. They will wait until you see them. Then, when you do, they will make one of those silent meows. A ‘pity’ meow, as I call it. This meow will mean that you will need to open the door for them. Next time, try and get to them a bit quicker.
9) They Will Pretend to See Things
Imagine the scene. You’re curled up on the couch at home alone with your cat curled up next to you. You’re watching a film and feel quite content. Then, just when it’s really quiet, and usually during a scary bit of the film – your cat will suddenly wake-up and stare towards the door. It can see something, sense something. And that thing is definitely in the house and coming to get you.
At least, that’s what they would like you to believe. Occasionally, just to make it look even more believable, they’ll get up and with their ears back, crawl towards the door, looking for whatever ghastly creature has entered your home with almost certain deadly intent.
You start to panic and grab the nearest weapon-shaped object, which will probably be a remote control or a cushion and head out bravely, ready to run away as fast as you can, err I mean ready to confront the intruder, wherever they are. But, of course, you find no-one (or no thing). You try and relax and continue with the film but can’t help but wonder if someone is in the house with you.
Meanwhile, your cat is thinking, ‘job done.’
10) The Only Gifts They Get You Will Be Half-Eaten
It’s not all just one-way traffic though. Your cat appreciates you feeding it, playing with it and spending way too much on toys it never plays with. Occasionally, it will want to return the favor.
As much as it would like to give you a financial reward for all your effort, your cat knows you don’t really want that. Your cat knows what you would really love is what they love. So they try to give you one of their prized catches. Now, obviously they can’t give you the best (intact) variety of prey that they’ve managed to find outside, as that is theirs – but they can give you one that’s had a little nibble out of it.
Okay, it might be a little bit rough around the edges and in a few pieces but it’s the thought that counts, right? Sometimes, if they really love you they will drop it next to your pillow so you can look at it whilst you try and get to sleep.
11) They Will Not Do What They Should Do
You should never assume that your cat will do anything that you are expecting them to do. That’s boring and just not their way. If you get them something really comfy to sleep in, they will instead choose to sleep on a hard, cold table. If you get them a nice water bowl, they will drink from the tap.
If your cat has some party tricks and you want them to show off their skills when you have friends round, don’t expect them to actually do it when anyone is watching. They will do everything they can to make you look as stupid as possible, on any occasion.
Actually, the only thing you can predict about the behavior of your cat is that you will not be able to predict what they are about to do next.
If you’d like to see how you can get on better with cats, take a look at my article here which opens in a new tab for you.
12) They Will Turn Their Nose Up at the Expensive Toys You Buy Them
We all like to spoil our cats. We go to the Pet shop or look on Amazon and check out the latest toys you can get for them. They deserve a treat, you tell yourself. So, you find something that has about a billion reviews, most of which are 5-star and buy it. You get it, unpack it and they could not care less about it.
They take a look at this new thing you’ve brought into their house (without asking their permission first), sniff it, and walk away. Occasionally, just to make you feel worse, they will start playing the box it came in or the lid from a pen.
13) They Will Sulk When You’re Packing – Just to Make You Upset
You’ve had a really hard year and you’re looking forward to going away for a few days – you deserved this. You have someone looking after your precious cat whilst you’re away so you’re feeling pretty good about things. The night before you go, you start packing and the first thing your cat does is get into the suitcase, in their own way telling you that if you’re going away, they are coming with you.
You continue to pack and they just sit there, staring at you, looking really sad. You start to feel depressed about leaving them and start to worry whether they will be okay whilst you’re away.
The next morning you leave for your vacation but your cat is nowhere to be found. You really want to say goodbye but can’t find them. You leave for your holiday sad and worried.
Your cat was never far away though, it was watching you from some bushes and is perfectly happy. In fact, it secretly enjoys the person looking after them as they always spoil them. Mission complete, that will teach you for trying to enjoy yourself.
14) They Will Go Missing for Days
This tends to happen to most owners of cats at some point during their time with their cat. Everything will be happening as normal until one day, they aren’t where you expected them to be. You search around the house frantically but can’t find them anywhere.
You start looking outside for them, knocking on your neighbor’s houses asking if they’ve seen your cat and whether they could look in their garages for it. You hear nothing and start putting up notices on lamp-posts asking people to call you if they see your cat. You post on social media and start to become desperate and despondent.
A few days pass and you start to give up hope. It is often at this point that they will trot in as if nothing happened, not hungry and not thirsty. Maybe they’ll have some strange foliage on their fur that you don’t recognize – it will be a mystery. You will never know where they have been or whether they will do it again.
15) They Will Adopt a Stranger as Their New Best Friend
You know your cat well and you appreciate that each one is unique. You accept these differences and live with them. Some cats, for instance, are more sociable than other cats. Some cats will sit on your lap and others just won’t.
So, this makes it all the more infuriating when someone they don’t know comes into your home, sits down and your cat immediately jumps onto their lap! I mean, WTF! Do they do these things deliberately just to annoy you? Well, yes, of course they do!
16) They Will Break Your Heart When They Leave You
Eventually, though – their little lives will come to an end and you will miss them and think about the good times you had with them for the rest of your life. You see, for all the things they do that we can’t understand – we wouldn’t have them any other way.
Of course, this article was tongue in cheek, well….mostly 🙂
Our Charlie was almost 15 when we lost him a few months ago, suddenly, to liver failure. Make sure you spoil your cat rotten, you don’t know if they’ll be with you tomorrow.
We will miss you Charlie, every single day. Love you x
If you still want to own a cat, here’s an article you should definitely take note of first.